a dash of ash

june 8 2022

Accountability and expectations. These two words hold incredible significance within each of our individual lives, though many of use don’t recognize it. I can’t say that I myself even recognized them, or their correlation, in my own life. That is, until I was jolted out of the blissful ignorance of youth that I’d been living in for the past nineteen years, by a harsh reality check called real life. 

As someone who has spent the last three years studying at the university level, holding the role of a student employee amongst many other responsibilities throughout the entirety of my college experience, the word accountability has become all too familiar to me. As students, we are expected to hold ourselves accountable for studying and turning in work on time; but it doesn’t stop there. College students are expected to do everything and then some. My experience in college consisted of an accelerated track of 21 credits a semester, joining Greek life, maintaining several different scholarship requirements, holding an on-campus job for the entirety of my undergraduate career (sometimes two), and holding an off-campus retail job. Now, let me be clear: I do not intend to paint myself in an ungrateful light. Each of these individual experiences has contributed to my growth and molded me into the person I am at current. Plus, imagine the time management skills I developed while attempting to juggle all of this at once. This balancing act is becoming far too common amongst college students. Luckily, I have coped with the constant uncertainty that surrounds our everyday lives by attempting to control whatever I possibly can for as long as I can remember, which has made me quite the planner. Of course, having the ability to easily plan my days down to the hour has also left with me with the unrealistic expectation that everything will go according to plan. 

Over the last three years, life has gone anything but according to plan. I moved across the country from almost everything I’d ever known, I lived through a global pandemic, I decided to change my career path after two years of studying to be a teacher, I have had people come and go, I have loved, and I have lost. But when taking a glance at the larger scheme of things I have to ask myself: What if this was the plan all along?We like to think that we are able to control what goes on in our lives, but this ability to control has its limits. After years of self evaluation and reflection, I’ve come to the realization that by holding myself to such a high expectation of control and continuously maintaining accountability for fulfilling that expectation, I have created the possibility of things falling further out of my control. There is only so much we can do. That is not to say that we as individuals are incapable and hold not control over our own lives. But rather, we are indeed capable, and that is the expectation we should be holding ourselves to. I have made the mistake of expecting myself not only to be capable, but giving myself a time restraint to do so. 

After changing my anticipated graduation to a semester sooner than expected, I threw myself through a loop. I knew this was the best decision for me, but I had no idea what would come after I turned my tassel. For my entire last semester, I had made my plans after post-graduation very clear: I would stay in South Florida. But, this was virtually all I knew. I began applying for several full-time positions on my soon-to-be alma mater’s campus. My first interview went wonderfully, and I could truly envision myself in that position.  I didn’t receive an offer until a little over a month prior to graduation. I didn’t even begin looking at apartments in the area until I was certain that I was going to have a stable way to pay for it. I had my first (and only) apartment tour a week and a half before graduation, and was approved for it in a little under a week prior. The massive uncertainty that surrounded my life after graduation in the mere weeks leading up to it were anything but living up to the expectation I was holding myself accountable for. If I had had it my way, I would have had a job and home secured by the time I entered my last semester. But that’s simply not the way the real world works. I’ve learned to hold myself to the expectation that I am simply capable, instead of expecting myself to prove that within unrealistic parameters. 

That realization led me to another: It’s unfair to hold higher expectations of others than ourselves. This was a tough one for me, as I’ve constantly sought to see the very best in everyone. The catch is, as humans, we are not always at our best. And what type of person am I to forgive myself for not living up to my unrealistic expectations, but not forgive others for doing the same? We hold expecations for others based mainly on two factors: 1.) our first impression of them, and 2.) our ideal version of them. In many cases, it’s often easier to maintain accountability for our expectations of ourselves over our expectations of others. It’s difficult to realize that our disappointment in people often stems from holding unrealistic expectations of them. No matter how much we try to perfect ourselves, and how much we hope others to be, no one is perfect. This is something you hear often, and it’s easy to say, but much harder to truly believe. I have had moments where I expected someone to hold the same perspective, think in a similar manner, and be at the same point of growth as myself. But that’s almost never the case. Once we release these high expectations from ourselves, we owe it to those around us to let go of our unrealistic expectations of them. By forgiving ourselves and omitting the forgiveness of others, a superiority complex is established. 

It’s important to note that being considerate of ourselves and our capabilities doesn’t make us selfish, and in fact is the most valuable tool in determining what we are truly capable of. This is what allows us to establish reasonable expectations of ourselves, exemplifying that we know ourselves best. As much as you may reveal to someone you wholeheartedly trust, chances are there is something you have omitted, whether intentional or interpreting it as insignificant to their perspective of you. To that degree: Who are you to establish a concrete expectation of someone who you do not know as well as yourself?

Although accountability is vital when it comes to success, the expectations that we hold ourselves to should be realistic and reflect our true capability in an ever-changing world around us. The same thought and consideration that we give to ourselves should be applied when determining our expectations for the people in our lives. 

xoxo, Ash