a dash of ash

march 10 2021

It has been almost a year to the date that we were suddenly sent home ‘temporarily’ because of COVID-19, resulting in an excruciating quarantine that none of us were expecting. I’m not sure if I was simply trying to cope with the drastic climate of the situation, but I really had myself convinced that we would return to campus the following month after we were sent home. Eventually, that rang false and I stayed in Michigan from March to August. As much as I adore my family and enjoy spending time with them, it was really difficult for me to be away from Florida for so long. Of course, we hear an endless amount of crazy stories that happen in Florida, and a lot of people maintain the idea that although they love vacationing here, they would never want to live here. That being said, I have never felt like I belonged more than when I was here. I am so genuinely happy here, and I have not let myself forget that for the entirety of this academic year. I believe the extensive amount of time I spent in Michigan humbled me greatly, and really made me reflect on how lucky I am to live in a place such as this. 

I find myself driving along the interstate, realizing that I am so familiar with the area that I rarely need to use GPS to get where I need to go and it’s such a minuscule thing, but it makes me happy. I feel as though I’ve gained more of an appreciation for little things in our lives that often go unacknowledged. Whether it be getting from point A to point B on my own, or the flowers blooming on the trees across the road from my dorm building, I find little moments to relish in that I wouldn’t have a year ago. I define myself as far more reflective than I ever imagined to be and am content within each little moment of life. I’ll be the first to admit it, but I was a very insecure person until recently. I was constantly concerned with how I looked in others’ eyes, and if I was too exuberant for my own good. I had made such an effort in my first eighteen years of life to present myself as an outgoing and confident person and built a falsified persona. I presented myself in a way that I felt overwhelmed by others, I was constantly talking and talking, and never really thought. I fought insecurity with a facade, and it only caused me to be more miserable. I floated around from friend group to friend group in middle school, and even high school, mostly because I was not secure with myself, so how could I ever feel secure with others? Even in my first year of college, I struggled a lot with anxiety regarding how others perceived me. 

Upon returning to Michigan for a lengthy four(ish) months, I isolated myself in my bedroom for the majority of that time. I recall my family inviting me to go for walks almost every night, and I don’t think I once took them up on the offer. I was so devastated that I had to leave the place where I believed I had found myself, I did not want to interact with anyone. However, isolating myself, though seemingly self-sabotaging at the moment, wound up to be incredibly beneficial for me as an individual. I was able to reflect on a lot of moments throughout my life, and just spend time with myself. Despite the havoc that COVID-19 has wreaked on my life, as well as yours, I’m sure, it has brought me one of the greatest things in my life: self-acceptance. Of course, I still have my moments battling insecurity in many different aspects, but I have a great appreciation for the person that I have become. 

In my nineteen years of life, I have had a rollercoaster of experiences, all building the foundation of the person I am now. Like all people, I have had my moments of despair and tears, but rather than look at them with negativity and self-doubt, I reassure myself that these moments have made me a stronger person, and all the more confident with who I am and how others perceive me. I recall being interviewed for a college program during my senior year of high school, and I was asked about a time I was resilient. I don’t remember exactly how I answered the question, but reflecting now, I have so many instances. I have experienced many hardships over the years, many that some would consider minimal, but all have been equally impactful in molding me into this person. 

I can confidently say that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life. I remember at some point in my high school career learning about the concept of self-actualization in one of my literature classes. As a current Secondary English Education major, this topic had obviously intrigued me, but I had never thought to apply it to my own life and experiences. Although it is a very bold statement to make, I feel as though I have reached the point of being self-actualized, and if not, I am at least within the process. I have never felt so secure in who I am as a person, and I have reflected that in all aspects of my life. I understand what is meant by the phrase “stepping into your power.” 

I have begun to recognize just how much energy the universe holds that we tend to be ignorant of. I have grounded myself to the point that I am capable of identifying the energy behind intentions and actions, and have realized that the people you surround yourself with on a regular basis can affect the way in which you perceive yourself, along with how others perceive you. By that default, I have made it a point to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me. However, I am grateful for anyone who has been involved in my life, regardless of the impact that they initially had upon me. I have learned something from every single relationship I’ve had with someone in my life, and I am thankful to have had them in my life, regardless of how it ended. Each person in my life has had some sort of impact on me and caused me to be the person I am today. However, I am incredibly grateful for everyone in my life currently, whether we speak regularly or we’ve grown distant, as they all hold a special place in my heart. 

I’m especially thankful for those that continue to push me to be my very best. I have leaped out of my comfort zone over the course of this academic year, as I’m sure you’re already aware. In addition to my commitments to Shark Teach, Fischler Academy, and the Farquhar Honors College, I have taken up several additional roles. I’m currently secretary of the We Achieve Via Education club, I work as a Writing Consultant at the Writing Center and as a Senior Shark Preview Leader with the Office of Orientation. and I am a member of the Beta Tau Chapter of Delta Phi Epsilon sorority. More recently, I was accepted into the position of Rho Gamma for the Panhellenic Council, meaning that I will be highly involved in the recruitment process. I was also recently offered the position of Orientation Coordinator through the Office of Orientation, a role that I have striven to fulfill since last year. This position holds a great deal of responsibility but I’m incredibly excited to fulfill these responsibilities and further my leadership experience on campus. Along with this position, I am given the opportunity to stay on campus over the course of the summer, which I am incredibly grateful for. 

Despite being raised in Michigan, and the majority of the people I love residing there, I have truly been thriving in the environment I am currently in and will continue to do so. I am so grateful for the people in my life, the opportunities that I have received thus far, and ultimately, I am grateful that I am the person that I am. I couldn’t imagine living another life.

xoxo, Ash