a dash of ash

october 30 2020

As I go into my (almost) fourth month here, it’s hard to grasp the fact that I’ve been here for so long, because it truly has felt shorter than a single month, let alone a handful of them. It feels as though I’ve known the people that I’ve met here for much longer than that. I cannot even begin to describe the connections I’ve made thus far. Which is ultimately what prompted me to write tonight. 

In one of my classes today, the professor decided against what was written in her syllabus, and instead, decided that we needed to participate in a bonding exercise. Of course, I was apprehensive at first, not really knowing the outcome of it, despite the outcome being within the title. I didn’t realize how much closer I would feel to the people within my program following the seemingly too short hour and twenty minutes we had together today. I learned many things about many people that I otherwise would not have known. Despite knowing many of these people for months now, it made it feel as though we were meeting again, for the first time, only in a different aspect. I was able to learn things about them that one cannot learn from engaging in a simple day-to-day conversation, which I found to be incredibly profound. 

Within one class period, I was able to come to an extremely important conclusion – you can never truly know a person unless they want you to. Vulnerability is something that we have touched upon in several of my classes, but also something that I hadn’t really made a personal connection with until today. By making myself vulnerable to others, I was able to establish a deeper connection with them. It’s something I’ve been doing for quite a while, but somewhat unconsciously. I’m slowly learning to become more conscious of certain mindsets of both myself, as well as others.

I’ve come to realize why the relationships that I’ve established here thus far have felt longer than the actual time used to measure them. Time doesn’t truly define relationships, the idea of vulnerability and the connections made through that vulnerability do. Connecting with people so far away from home was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be, and I think a reason behind that, a partial reason at that, is the fact that we are experiencing the same situation from different perspectives. 

By making myself more vulnerable in regard to the idea that I am the only one who can truly define my own experience, I feel as though I am more capable of connecting with others now, in the sense that I’m able to recognize my own experience, as well as the experiences of others, and the overlap between them. I know that I won’t find anyone with the exact same feelings as mine, or the exact same experiences as mine, but I have found those who can relate. I’ve realized that I’m not  the only one who misses home, or who is struggling to adjust to life on my own. And it took something as simple as letting myself be vulnerable to these emotions and admitting them, to find those who relate through their own experiences. 

Of course, I’ll continue to text and facetime with my family and friends back home an excessive amount, but by admitting my vulnerability within a new environment, I have become more comfortable within it. There will be days where I miss those who I have been surrounded by for the majority of my life, or even just a part of it, but I’m also able to observe the connections I’ve made here as well. And it’s in those days where I miss home, that I know I have a home here as well, with people I can depend on, making it known that they can depend on me  when they have their days. 

I cannot express the amount of appreciation I have for each and every person, at home in Michigan, or home here in Florida, that has helped me to adjust and establish myself here. Being more vulnerable has allowed me to learn so much about myself in the short time of being here and I know that it is just the beginning of my journey, but that in itself, is an accomplishment. 

xoxo, Ash