a dash of ash

september 13 2020

I’m an entirely different person than I was at the end of March or even the beginning of August. As I’m sure quarantine has taken a toll on every single person one way or another, it most definitely took a toll on me. I spent a great deal of time with myself and learned a lot both about myself and from myself within that time. In the months leading up to returning back to school, I grew more anxious with each day that passed, as obviously things are constantly changing by the day even more than usual, and I was uncertain if I would actually wind up at school in August. I eventually began to pack up all of my things, and when the day came, I started the long drive down to Fort Lauderdale. Luckily, I wasn’t alone and I had my dad with me to share the drive time and for company. Once we were about four hours away from arriving, I received a message from my director at work saying that move in was going to be postponed due to the incoming Hurricane Isaias which was headed straight for south Florida. I began to panic, as it seemed that anything that could have possibly gotten in the way of moving in, did. Fortunately, I was able to move in that night before the hurricane was projected to hit. My dad helped unload the car and I dropped him off at his hotel room, but it was up to me to unpack everything on my own. Of course, I couldn’t sleep until everything was put away, so following a 21 hour car ride, I stayed up all night unpacking by myself, which was exhausting to say the least. The next day, one of my best friends arrived and it almost instantly felt like things were getting back to normal. We were both on campus about two weeks earlier than most students because of our role as Orientation Leader, but the next week, many of our other friends began to trickle in. 

  Working virtual orientation was an experience in itself to say the least, as there were a lot of components that hadn’t been added to the process, in addition to some aspects that were taken away from the process. I feel that, in a way, that’s what this school year has been so far, full of gives and takes, it just depends on how you look at it. I began participating in the Shark Teach retreat the following week, and had some down time to catch up and spend time with friends whom I hadn’t seen in what felt like ages. However, this down time has quickly been diminishing as the semester comes to a full swing. I’ve been in classes for almost a month now, and as usual, I’m taking 21 credit hours, which isn’t an easy on-taking, especially considering that I’ve chosen to take all of my courses online for the time being, as this requires me to pull a little extra weight in terms of being intently focused, yet in my own space. However, classes are just the tip of the iceberg for my semester. I also began working as a writing fellow for composition classes through the on-campus writing center. This entails that I work both Tuesday/Thursday evenings taking appointments with undergraduate students, but I also sit in on two composition classes and assist the professor in terms of working with the students on a more individual level. That being said, if you know me, you know that this isn’t the only on-campus employment position I have taken on. I also recently accepted the position of Senior Shark Preview Leader through the Office of Orientation, which I am absolutely ecstatic about. But, my most recent development is that, after participating in the formal recruitment process, I accepted a bid from the Beta Tau chapter of Delta Phi Epsilon and I could not be happier. 

[So, now that that’s all cleared up…]

I think the reason why I waited so long to write, is because I felt that there wasn’t anything truly eventful going on in my life over quarantine/summer. But, after reflecting on that, I have to admit that I could not have been more wrong. I tend to be a self-conscious person, I am my biggest critic and it’s something I’ve been working on for a while now. Over quarantine, I spent a lot of time with myself and came to the realization that I am actually a fun person to hang out with. It may seem like a minor realization to some, but for me, I see a great deal of growth within myself. Last year, I found myself constantly feeling like a burden (at no one’s fault but my own), and would need a constant reassurance that I was not bothering anyone. But at this point in time, I’ve realized that I cannot constantly convince myself that I am a nuisance, because I’m so much more than the mistakes that I hyper-focus upon. 

This is something I struggled with greatly, even with my best friends. There would come a point in time where I felt as if I couldn’t be with them for too long without feeling as though I was being a bother. I’ve realized that I enjoyed my own presence over the summer, and if others don’t appreciate me as much as I have, then I should not waste time overthinking. Adopting this mindset alone has allowed me to be happier this year, content some might even say. 

Another thing that I’ve been working on is appreciating every moment of my experience this semester more than ever. I understand that not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have been able to return to campus, and some may not have wanted to, but I’m so appreciative of the fact that I’m back in my element with my people. Looking back at how suddenly things took a turn in March, I feel as though I took a lot of moments for granted and let time pass by me. This semester I’ve begun to live in the moment, and this too has made me more happier than ever. I do not let a moment go forsaken, and make sure that my appreciation for the present is demonstrated. I’ve made so many lasting memories within the last month alone, and I know they will stay with me for a lifetime. Even something as simple as pulling an all-nighter and driving to Dania Beach with the absolute sleepiest eyes, and experiencing the sunrise with some of my closest friends is an experience that I would not trade for the world. Just experiencing the beauty that our world has to offer with some of my favorite people gave me a much greater appreciation of little moments. 

Not only have I grown to appreciate my own presence and live in the moment, but I’ve learned to combine these two and to put myself out there. Of course, if you knew me in high school, you’d probably say I was outgoing. Though this is true, I had a tendency to be loud and outspoken to mask my own insecurities. However, I’d personally say that I’ve grown far from this, and I’ve embraced myself more. This being said, one thing I did get a lot from people I went to high school with was “Really? You’re not in sorority? I thought for sure you would be.”  I really wanted to rush a sorority coming in as a freshman, but the idea of taking 21 credits and my newly accepted position of Shark Preview Leader made me hesitant, as I was uncertain if I would have enough time. So, naturally, with all the additional commitments I have this year, I decided I would rush as well. Although it was all virtual, it was still an incredibly wonderful experience. I went into it with a completely open mind, considering all three of the chapters on campus in my decision. As the nights went on, I began to narrow my decision. I was torn between my top two choices, as they both had aspects that I admired. As the third and final night of formal recruitment (Preference Night) went on, my decision became very clear. I waited impatiently for Bid Day to arrive, and graciously accepted my bid from Delta Phi Epsilon. Although I’ve only been a new member for about a day, I cannot explain the appreciation I have for these girls already. Within a day I’ve established lasting connections with so many wonderful women and I cannot wait to build upon them, and create even more. Although I am disappointed that I did not go through with this process last year, I know that I’m exactly where I need to be, when I need to be. This is the best mindset I’ve been in in a very long time, and I know that it will only make the beginning of this new chapter even stronger. 

We, as humans, are constantly searching for ways to be happier. Whether they are genuine or superficial we are always looking, and often grasp at the first taste of happiness we get. I’ve had my fights for happiness, and struggled a lot with self-doubt and constantly degrading myself, but I can confidently say that I’m genuinely the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve learned a great deal from myself over the last couple months, and have finally started to accept myself, and appreciate who I am, allowing for me to put myself out there and begin new journeys. After focusing more on living in the moment, my life feels even more worth living. 

Not to come to a dramatic conclusion, but I think I may have discovered one of the secrets to life. Of course, I think the secret to life is different for everyone. We all go through our own individual struggles and journeys that lead us to our epitome of happiness. We can also have multiple secrets to life. Our lives are nowhere near straight lines; we each have our ups and downs, and these secrets (or lessons, to put it less dramatically) are realized when we need them most. In the present, I needed to learn to accept myself and live my life to absolute fullest in order to be where I am now. 

While I am experiencing an extremely positive point in my life, I understand that many are not, whether at their own fault or not. There are many heart wrenching stories all over the news lately, and I hope that those who are experiencing difficulty and tragedy in this time are soon relieved of it and recover, and that those causing harm and tragedy are able to realize their wrongdoing and self-actualize. That being said, I hope that if you haven’t already, you discover one of your secrets to life soon, and are able to experience life in the way that I am. 

xoxo, Ash