a dash of ash

march 20, 2020

It’s been quite a bit, and life has been turbulent for me as I’m sure it has been for you all too. Within the last week, I’ve had to pack my entire life up and haul it a thousand miles back to Michigan, and when I tell you I’ve never been this emotionally exhausted, I truly mean it.

I’m sure it’s been a trying time for everyone, and I’m by no means ungrateful because I’m aware that my situation could be incredibly worse than it is. However, one of my former educators posted something on Facebook that I think is vital to keep in mind: “Our journals and letters are the primary sources of the future.” So, here I am constructing a primary source of the future (if I’m lucky, maybe they’ll let students OPVL it for the IB History exam).

As a relatively anxious person, as most of you know, I’d been growing rather weary the last couple of weeks reading the increased amount of headlines regarding COVID-19 but was still carrying on with my life as calmly as I possibly could. I spent all of Spring Break as worry-free as I could (while still acting responsibly, of course), and was looking forward to resuming my school and work routine last week. After coming back from a long day of working Shark Preview on Thursday, I was greeted by my roommates talking about President Hanbury’s email. I had yet to read this, as I had just come from a debrief meeting with the rest of the staff. I could feel a tiny pit in my stomach growing bigger as I opened the email. Sure enough, the email declared the university “strongly encouraging” us to leave the residence halls, amongst the declaration that classes would be suspended, and resume online the following week. Despite the growth I’ve experienced since being at school, I’m someone who is still apprehensive about change. I try my hardest to have a positive outlook on every situation I find myself in, but this was different.

During Shark Preview check-in earlier that day, I volunteered to host a visiting student in my room, as they had run short. Reading this email in front of her, I could feel a panicky reaction developing deep down, so I rushed to change out of my uniform and knocked on one of my best friends’ doors. Now, he’s smart enough to know the chaos that was going on inside my mind. So, I sat and talked with him for a minute, then decided that I should call my parents, as we seemed rushed to get out of the dorms as quickly as we could. He had called his mom too, so I stepped into the bathroom so that we could each have our respective conversations. Naturally, I began to panic, as there was so much to consider in this extremely unprecedented situation. I usually try to keep it somewhat together in front of my friends, but at this point, I couldn’t anymore. My friend was still talking to his mom and I overheard him tell his mom that “Ashley’s here, she doesn’t really do well with change.” (At least that was common knowledge at this point.) His conversation ended first, as he was able to keep his composure and come up with a plan quickly, and eventually, I ended my conversation and we sat there, just pondering the entirety of what was happening for a few seconds before going to our close friends’ room to see how they were going about it.

We sat there for a few moments just commenting on the reality of the whole thing before one of their suitemates burst in the door with several Starbucks bags packed to the brim with reusable cups of all sizes. You see, our school has a declining balance system, meaning that we all received $1,595 on our Shark Cards at the beginning of both the first and second semesters that we could use at any of the on-campus dining options, including Starbucks. Well with the email that our President sent out at around 10:30, it was announced that all on-campus dining options would be closed indefinitely starting at midnight that night. So, those who thought of it first flocked to Starbucks and our 24/7 convenience store, Outtakes. A few of us decided to go assess these stores and see if we could purchase anything with our DB cards, as we still had hundreds of declining balances left, with the assumption we would only have about two weeks to use it if we were able to come back for finals. The line for Outtakes, which is about halfway into the University Center, was almost out of the main entrance to the building, so I didn’t find it worth it to wait for what was picked over by those who got there before me.

​I called my best friend (Over my time at NSU, I’ve acquired several of them), who lives in the building next to mine. Now, our relationship is different than mine with anyone else because we went to high school together back in Michigan, and over the last semester we’ve grown practically inseparable. Of course, as I walked to the door of her building waiting for her to let me in, we both started sobbing when we saw each other. We sat in her room as I explained what my plan was, and she explained hers. She had planned to stay down there with her boyfriend, while I would go back to Michigan with my family for who knows how long. Just the mere idea of separation was enough to drive us both to tears (We both cry a lot, I think that’s why we get along so well). One of our friends who also lives in her building came down from his room on the fourth floor to talk with us because he may or may not have seen a Snapchat of us sobbing together. We sort of just sat there for a couple of hours revisiting the whole reality, or lack of it, in the situation. It was surreal, sitting there in silence, wondering what will happen in the next few months, and not having a single clue.

I left her room around 2:30 a.m. as I had to be at work at 7:15 the next morning, because although our classes were suspended for the time being, we still had about 150 students visiting our campus from all over, so we couldn’t just put their weekend on pause. However, working that next day was incredibly difficult. I found it almost impossible to put all of my emotions and worries on hold and focus on my work all day. My last shift of the day was at HPD, which is very much isolated from the main campus – we ride in golf carts to get there. As I’m sitting there, I get a text from a friend asking where I was. I told him I was working, but that I was at HPD. He then tells me he and another friend are going to walk over to say goodbye. It took them about half an hour only to talk for about five minutes before I told them I had to get back to work. But in talking about everything, they said it the best: we were finally starting to grow comfortable in this environment, only to be torn out of it with no warning.

While working, I received various calls and texts from my parents trying to figure out how we were going to handle the situation, whether they would drive down and pack up everything, or if I should just fly back with a suitcase of clothes. Eventually, we decided that the lack of certainty made driving and packing up everything the more sensible option. I finished up at work that night, and hung out with my friends afterward, enjoying the time we had left together, because who knows the next time we’d all be in the same place.

The next morning, we had a closing ceremony for Shark Preview, which was incredibly bittersweet, because we all knew deep down that it would be our last weekend working together. Following the closing ceremony, we had a staff meeting with all of the SPLs who hadn’t left campus yet, where we were informed that the rest of the Shark Preview weekends were canceled, which was a given, but the confirmation of what we all already knew still stung a bit. As a Shark Preview Leader, we are required to work seven out of the twelve weekends that we host. This last weekend was the third weekend that I worked, as I was supposed to work the last four, which really pushed my heart a little because I was looking forward to the connections I would make with my fellow staff members, as well as the different students that come to visit and interview. During the first semester, our staff was somewhat distant from one another, but within the first half of this semester, we were able to connect on a closer level because we had more opportunities to work together on the weekends, in addition to our training sessions and office hours. In this aspect, I feel that we were all disappointed that just as soon as we got close, we were separated.

Saturday night was my last night on campus.

I and the first friend mentioned (sorry, I’ve mentioned several, I’m hoping you’re able to keep track), had been spending time together earlier that day, as he left the next morning, so naturally, I was helping him pack. We went over to our other friends’ room, and then he went out for a few hours. Me and the rest of my friends had decided we would go out one last time that night because it was the last night we would all be together. After coming back, we planned to watch Frozen 2 in my room and invited our other friend who had gone out back over. He told us he’d be over in a few minutes but then we got no response, so we assumed he fell asleep. Now, this would be all good and fine, but his flight left the next morning at 7 a.m. so we hung out in my room for an hour or so until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to a knock on my wall, a telltale sign that one of my best friends was at my door. However, I knew this time that it was that first friend, knocking to say goodbye. Before I even opened the door, I could feel myself start crying.

I fell back asleep for a few hours, waking up to a text from my parents letting me know they were on their way to help me pack up my dorm room. I then texted my best friend, and she graciously volunteered to help pack up, knowing that it would be difficult to do on my own. I let my parents in, then let her in as well. We managed to pack everything up in mere hours, and I only cried a handful of times. I went to my friend’s room to say goodbye to them while my parents took a trip to the car to load it, and cried some more. But, seeing my room entirely empty, packed up of all the memories me and my friends made in there, was not easy in the slightest. Not a single indication that I had even lived there was left, and that room’s now waiting for its next occupant, awaiting new memories from a new group of friends navigating through their first year of college.

We finished packing up the car, and I said my last goodbye to my best friend and cried yet again. No goodbye is easy for me, but the goodbyes I said on Sunday hurt like something different. We all knew we were going to eventually leave each other for a couple of months over the summer, but we also thought we still had more time to spend together. Saying goodbye when there is no definite time as to when you’ll see each other again induces another emotion altogether. You could say I’m being overdramatic, and maybe I am, but this is my sentiment, take it or leave it. I’ve spent almost every single day of my freshman year of college with some of these people, and I’ve grown so used to their presence that it seems unreal to be so far from one another.

Of course, despite the severity of the situation for the nation as a whole, I push myself to maintain hope that it won’t be the projected four months that I will have to go without seeing them. Our freshman year has been anything but easy, between Hurricane Dorian, two campus lockdowns, and now COVID-19, we’ve stuck together through quite a bit in such a short amount of time, and I believe it has made us stronger individually, as well as together.

Writing this, quarantined in my house in Michigan, feeling distant from everyone and everything, it still feels surreal to me. I had finally found myself comfortable, maintaining my academic and extracurricular responsibilities with somewhat of a level head, only to be yanked from my element with hardly a moment’s notice. But, as someone who has always feared change, I know that I will use this instance as an opportunity for personal growth. I will attempt to use this period of isolation to my advantage and reflect inward while also maintaining my relationships from a distance.

From this eventful week, I’ve already taken away a greater appreciation for the time that I was able to spend with those I care about and I hope to see them all soon. And although I am feeling rather angsty and mad at the world at the moment, I recognize that my current reality is something to be thankful for, as it could be incredibly worse. That being said, while I attempt to maintain a positive outlook, there is still a looming sense of misfortune that disrupts my thoughts, and I can’t help but think of the Winter 2020 semester as “The Semester That Could Have Been.” But while dubbing it with this title, know that the moments and memories I was able to make at school this semester, as well as last, are that much more appreciated now.

xoxo, Ash